Issy

Hey Issy,
I just found out that in two weeks I'm going to the vet to be spayed. I understand the reasons why I need to be spayed but I'm nervous about it. Maybe you could tell me what your experiences were when you got spayed, and maybe give me some encouragement.
-A Nervous cat

Oh, my wee furry friend, I understand why you're nervous, especially since the operation usually calls for entering the vilest of all human creations: the cat carrier. If you can negotiate your way around this terrible prison, do it. If not, you can overcome this temporary humiliation by performing an act that will scare the living daylights out of your human so they remember to both worship and fear you. I was recently disappointed by the neglectful behavior of my humans, so I shocked them back into behaving like good subjects by performing a squirrel sacrifice. My humans were in awe and shaken by the power I demonstrated in executed an animal of equal size, while escaping injury. After that, I strolled in the house, kicked my food bowl over, and dared them to challenge me.
Needless to say, they did not.
Most kitties are spayed when they are about six months old, before they go into heat. Spaying involves the removal of the ovaries and the womb. I was not spayed at six months, as my humans recognized the importance of passing on my impeccable gene pool; or perhaps they were just dumb. Though I resisted the advances of most tom cats, there was one that stole my heart. It started the way any good romance would--with a sound bite on the back of the neck. Soon we were wandering the streets together, hissing at each other, clawing, sharing in the thrill of a neighborhood kill, and other romantic froo-froo things. Then one day we were sitting together, and I realized I wanted him the hell off my porch. Before he was booted he managed to impregnate me, and I had a wee litter of kittens, who have all presumably moved on towards world domination, much like their sweet mom. Once they were born, my humans saw that I had outdone myself, and suggested that I might consider calling it quits in order to decrease the potential for conflict amongst royalty. I understood and agreed.
As far as the actual procedure goes, I don't remember a thing. I remember some sort of kitty drug being administered, the doctor asking me to meow down from ten, and then waking up drooling with my tongue hanging out in such a manner that my humans openly guffawed at my plight. I was a little ouchy, but nothing like having kittens. Plus, this time around I got a pain killer, which surprisingly enough made my humans incredibly jealous. Check out the web page http://www.lbah.com/Feline/Cat_Spay.html to see some pictures of a spaying being performed.
There are oodles of perks to being spayed. For one, you don't have the distraction of tom cats, because you're not in heat. For me, this means I can spend time participating in the activities I enjoy, like basking in the glow of praise, scratching the book cases, chasing bugs into the fan, and meowing orders to my human subjects.
You also won't get pregnant, which can totally ruin your figure and distract you from the slaying of woodland creatures, and you have less of a chance of getting breast cancer and uterine infections later in life (yup, cats get it too). Plus, there are plenty of cats in the shelter and therefore no need to breed.
Another perk is the massive amounts of human sympathy you'll receive during the following days when you're a bit uncomfortable. I recommend rolling around on the floor and yowling in pain when the entire house is quiet and dark. There's nothing like a human scrambling out of bed and crashing into things just to scratch your ears.
Fear not, my fine furry friend, for it'll all be over soon, and you'll be no less of a cat for it-in fact, you should encourage your human to do the same. Have you seen how many are running around these days? Talk about overpopulation!

Hi Issy!

I'm a Parkersburg fan of yours! A co-worker brings me copies of your paper so I can read your advice columns.

While dining over human food at a restaurant, I was reading your column when the above-mentioned co-worker said that the "Ask Issy" column was a play on words, referring to what some co-workers try to do to their bosses (think about it). The more I think about it, the more concerned I get. Can you put to rest my fears?
--Bruce

First of all, where's Parkersburg? Is that beyond the tree in the backyard? It certainly isn't on my porch, otherwise known as Issyburg.

Second of all, you go to work? Every day? Ha-ha. You should consider being a cat. That way, you can stay home and develop yourself intellectually and spiritually while other working individuals (slaves) bring you food and water and affection. It's a pretty good deal. Humans are so dumb.

Third of all, while you have made a good observation, what are you implying with "think about it"? Did you think I didn't realize what was happening here? You silly, simple human. Since you've described yourself as a fan, I'm sure you didn't mean this offense, so I'll resist the urge to attack and instead extend my Sugar Paw for you to kiss while begging my forgiveness. Go ahead.

You keep talking about "your fears" and "your concerns," you, you, you. Let's get to more important things: me. Humorous word-play or not, my name is in fact Issy, and I am in fact an advice cat. As far as the play on words goes, you should encourage your co-workers to stop wasting precious suck-up hours on employers and devote them to the ever-worthy feline Queendom. After all, why are they working, to buy a new stereo? No, to feed the cat. Now get back to work.

Email Issy at askissy@frognet.net

Dear Issy,
My human is acting funny. He used to pet me at least 2 hours a day and feed me 7 or 8 times a day per our arrangement. Now he leaves the house for hours on end while I starve and get nasty hairballs from trying to groom myself without appropriate brushing. When he comes home he has the nerve to sit at the computer and not even pet me a little. I am lucky if I get fed 3 times a day!

He sleeps almost as much as me, and to make it worse, he sleeps at night when I need the most service! He used to be such a good human, I don't know what happened to him. I have tried whining incessantly to no avail. I don't want to put him out of the house but I feel I am running out of options. What should I do?
Sign Me
Good-Cat-Lazy-Human

Ah, my furry friend, my sympathies are extended to you. It's terrible to be a cat with a lazy human who cannot appreciate the value of feline companionship. Humans seem to appreciate things initially, and then over time forget the value of their loved ones as they become preoccupied with things like looking at naked pictures of other humans they will never mate with on the internet. What concerns me, however, is that you seem to have forgotten the true order of things, and have stooped to "whining." Have you forgotten the essence of cathood and come down with a horrible case of kitty low self-esteem? Never forget: you are the master or mistress of the household. The human is your slave. Allow me to explain how to restore the proper order.
Want to be petted more? Easy. Next time he wants to pet you, turn your tail and haughtily walk away. Think it won't work? Humans are programmed to chase after what denies them--they want what they can't have. When you offer them a cookie after denying them for so long, they greedily scarf it up and ask for another. As long as you consistently apply this system, your human will be at your mercy, and any sign of affection you offer will allow them to feel validated in some way. Humans like having (snicker) "pets" because they feel that pets provide them with unconditional love. What humans sometimes forget, however, is that in order to receive that level of adoration, they must cease to act in the boneheaded manner they reserve for other humans.
Which brings me to a very real possibility. Your human may have morphed into what is known as a "total loser." If this is the case, only the Paw of Death will suffice. Evidence of your human being a total loser includes the human yelling over trivial matters, throwing things for no particular reason, and grabbing you as a sign of affection instead of gently and lovingly picking you up. Your human may also be eating large amounts of pre-packaged food that may or may not come in a tub or bucket, and spending a majority of their time watching television and sighing audibly. If your human is exhibiting such behavior, turn his shoe into a litterbox and warm up to a housemate or neighbor. Then, convince this housemate or neighbor to take the human with you when they leave for Cleveland in the summer. Problem solved.
Cats do not whine, they order. What your meow has to register is, "Listen up, you sorry example of an all ready sorry species! I am your cat commander, and I demand that you obey my will! Get your fat ass out from behind the monitor, geek boy, and shuffle your lazy flat-feet into the kitchen and fill my bowl with food, pronto! While you're at it, pet me for forty-five minutes, and fill that sock with catnip so I can relax this evening, and I don't want to hear anymore of your lip!" If you are unable to register this with a meow, try hocking a hairball on their pillow in the morning, so it has a good long time to sink into the sheets and leave a long-lasting smell. If that doesn't work, begin a peeing campaign. Leave cat toys in strategic locations on the stairwell. Circle his legs at a nearly frantic pace in order to impede movement. One of my personal favorite tricks is to walk down the stairwell just ahead of my humans in a diagonal fashion so they can't make their way around me. Forty minutes later, when they reach the bottom of the stairs, they fill my bowl with food.
Quick question though: seven or eight times a day? Sounds like your human was initially over-feeding you just a bit. You might want to consider an interest outside of snacking in order to prolong your kitty health. When you get so hungry you can't take it, try scratching furniture. It takes the edge off.
If your human leaves for seven or eight hours a day, he may have something known as a "job." This is where humans leave in the morning looking tired and come back in the afternoon looking aggravated. Or, your human might be what is known as a "student." This is where a human leaves in the morning looking hungover, and comes back looking drunk. Either way, you're going to have to find some way to amuse yourself during the day. I find writing an advice column passes the time, when I'm not hammering away at my upcoming novel or putting the finishing touches on a watercolor. You need to find a hobby, which can be selected based upon whether or not your human leaves you outside or inside while he's away. If outside is an option, you might want to consider the slaying of birds and mice, hissing wildly at neighboring cats, or befriending other humans with access to tuna. If trapped indoors, you might want to consider baking, knitting a sweater, or going freakin' apecrap on the houseplants because you're so bored that you wish you had opposable thumbs to play with matches! Excuse my hysteria, but closed doors can give me the shivers.
I'm confused, however, in regards to why you would want to be groomed. Are you a long-haired cat, such as myself? If so, consider this a prime opportunity to grow my favorite hairstyle, dreadlocks. In addition to being maintenance free, the clumped-up fur allows you to move quick as a Jedi after your prey, whether it be an allusive bird or a human forcing you into playing that ridiculous "bat the hand" game. Must...resist...waving motion...too strong...can't! I can't! Too much waving motion! I must bat the hand! Arg!
If your human is sleeping as much as a cat, your human may either be depressed or in a coma. If he's in a coma, I'm afraid you're out of luck, and you might as well start figuring out some way to knock the food bag over; or you might want to access your "humans under glass"(in case of emergency, break glass) which might be neighbors or parents who feed and water you when he's out of commission. If he's just depressed, know that as a cat, you hold the power to make him feel better. When he's crumpled in a ball in his living room, sobbing hysterically, approach him and give him the soulful cat look. Then he will know that in spite of the mediocreness that comes with being human, he is still loved by his faithful ruler, the cat, and has reason to get up and fill your food bowl and pet you consistently. While you're at it, slip the number for Careline in his pocket so he can talk to someone who can actually respond in English, and try to be patient. Humans may be somewhat unreliable, but they usually come back around.
Keep your head up, cat, and remember who rules the roost.

Dear Issy,
Here's one for your "cat-o-nine-tales." My wife is raisin' the kids (ages 7 and 5) as I work nights. Last night my son (age 5) would NOT obey me, so I swatted his behind once (no bruise). My wife is furious with me. She thinks I abuse him. I say a little discipline is not bad. But I would never injure him nor abuse him at all. What do you say Issy? Is the Paw of Death too much, or should I swat his behind?

The Paw of Death should never be used on children, and should often be used on adults. See, children don't know any better. Adults are just stupid. I think you may need a Paw of Death review. New cat strolls into the neighborhood and thinks he's going to crawl around your backyard, rubbing his face on all your lawn furniture and stalking the birds that are clearly your prey? Issy Paw of Death! Kitten crawls onto your porch, rolls around at your feet and bats at your tail for the next six hours? Sugar Paw.
Everybody knows that little humans have to act wild and crazy, just like kittens, and that we grown-up humans and cats have to have a high tolerance for this. If the kid is driving you nuts, you can easily go up to the attic and hide in a dresser drawer or half-empty box for awhile. If the kid follows you, kick the plastic top of a milk container in his direction and he'll be going nuts for hours. Then the kid can have fun, and you can sleep amongst the sweaters. Ah, bliss.
If you don't want to hide in the attic, since you humans are so into this "talking" thing, you might want to consider using some of it with your son. (Warning to the reader: I'm going to have to smooth my ears back and give this one a bit of a serious answer, as this is a serious question. This is what I like to call Educating Humans with Issy.) It would help a little if I knew the behavior that lead to the Paw of Death. Was the kid just be annoying, or was he setting the curtains on fire or (God help him) doing anything that involves firecrackers and cats? Did you ask your son why he wasn't obeying you? Did he want your attention, did he think what he was doing was fun, was he just bored? In spite of all the gabbing adult humans do, I don't think they question their little humans enough-they assume the kid is a devious little monster whose every intention is geared for or against the parent instead of fueled by desire or need. So is that what you're thinking, Mr. Self-Centered? If you talk to the kid (not yell) and find out what's in his head, maybe you can work out some kind of solution so that you can get some peace outside of the attic, and your son can be happy as well.
If it calms your wife any, that swat probably isn't going to traumatize your kid--unlike swatting a cat, which I strongly urge you to avoid, unless you want to wake up in the morning with your cat two-inches from your face, glaring at you and threatening to suck the soul out of your mouth as a greeting. Remember that talking thing I mentioned? Well, in my observation of humans, I have found that the stupid things they say to each other can be far more damaging to the old self-esteem than a swat. One of the humans I consulted told me that she barely remembers the swats on the behind she got, but remembers every single agonizing detail of the "you're stupid and worthless" lecture, not to mention those oft-occurring human make-no-sense moments where parents say idiotic things like, "I'm only doing this because I love you." Therefore love is equated to hitting, which leads to really messed-up romantic relationships that make cat-mating look gentle.
Even if these other reasons seem totally illogical to you, the main issue is that your wife is utterly opposed to it. Since a marriage is (in theory) a partnership, it would be perceived as disrespectful if you punished her children in a way she didn't see fit; especially since if I were to pick the more intelligent of the human species, I'd bank on the female counterparts any day. I admire your wife for standing her ground and not tolerating you punishing the children in a way she finds unnecessary. Talk to your wife and see if the two of you can figure out some way you can discipline the kids that she's comfortable with. If you swat the kid again, I encourage her to give you the full-out Issy Paw of Death, if not the ever-dreaded ninja-style Four Paw Action that would kick your ass clear out the door.
When it comes to cats, the mating partner is forgotten. Though humans don't go for this, they also often forget that the little humans are supposed to come first. You should be pleased to no end that you have a wife that doesn't hesitate to defend her children.

Dear Issy,
How do you write your columns? Are they in long-paw, or do you type? --Just Curious

Dear Just Curious,
What I do is walk back and forth on a computer keyboard, which produces a sophisticated alien tongue beyond the scope of most humans. Then a highly-intelligent team of human experts gather around my masterpiece and attempt to decode what I have composed, and read it back to me for verification. Periodically there will be a misspelled word or grammatical error, but overall the humans get it right. When they don't, I punish them appropriately by leading them to believe I am approaching them to be petted, only to make a sudden turn to let them know to talk to the tail. Straightens them out every time.

Write Issy at askissy@frognet.net She likes the postcards she's received, too. Letters will be answered in the order they are received.

Issy the Advice Cat Answers Your Questions

May 8th 2002

Dear Issy,

I need your wise feline advice. There is a neighborhood cat that just won't leave me any peace. He hangs around all the time and wedges his way in the door every chance he gets. No matter how often I shoo him away, he just keeps coming back. The real kicker is that he has only one eye and his tongue sticks out. I think he uses this to cop some sympathy, and I admit it often works. I really love cats, but this one goes too far! Any suggestions?

Respectfully yours,
At wit's end

First of all, no cat ever stoops to copping sympathy unless catnip or tuna is involved, when all dignity is tossed out the window. This cat's tongue sticks out and he's got one eye. Do you think he flung himself on a fence post just to have an excuse to wiggle his way into your house? I think not-and I'm beginning to think what you're really asking is for me and the readers of my column to turn your front lawn into a litter box.
Second of all, no cat ever goes too far-though some make the mistake of approaching humans unable to see what sort of pleasure they could bring their otherwise pathetic lives. Clearly, you're a dog person, upset at the inability of cats to respond to words such as "bad." These words mean nothing to cats-not because we don't understand, but simply because it's ridiculous to assume that we care what you think.
One thing you didn't mention is who was there first, you or the cat? If the cat was there first, he may have staked-out your home as his territory, and therefore would assume that he should be able to enter at will. If you were there first and this cat moved in anyway, perhaps you haven't been aggressive enough in marking your territory.
If you really want to get this cat away from you, try running at it a couple of times with your arms in the air. One of my humans did this to a neighborhood cat the size of a rottweiler that was giving me a hard time-not to mention entering my yard-and it worked. After my human ran at the big kitty, I would charge him as well to finish the job. You know and I know who he was REALLY scared of (the Paw of Death), but I thought it would be generous of me to let the humans help.
Another solution is to get an anti-social cat of your own. No right-minded cat wants another cat (ugly or not) nosing around their turf-and entering another cat's house is just downright blasphemy.
Another option would be to find a scent the cat doesn't like and put it around your doorway so he knows not to enter your home. One of my humans was able to keep the world's most annoying dog away from her with lavender oil, which made the dog sneeze-and since the dog made her sneeze, it was only fair.
I think you should feel honored that a neighborhood cat likes you so much that he's willing to hang around you all the time. And, face it, if you let a cat in your house once, he's going to want to come in again. The good news is, with spring in full swing, if this cat has any sense he'll soon be preoccupied with the hunting of birds and yowling at other cats, and then you'll be off the hook.

Dear Issy,
My mom says that I can't have a cat. She also said that if you could give her a good reason why I should get a cat, she'll consider it. I'm 14, I get good grades, and I don't get in any trouble.

Lonely without cats

Quick question: are you an only child? If you are: great. If you have an idiot little brother that is going to put a cat in a pillowcase and spin him around, stuff a cat in a clothes drier, or anything else "creative" then it's in the cat's best interest to remain at the shelter. But if the only reason you can't have a cat is because your mom is blind to the many virtues of cats, (not because of a landlord or something like that) then I should be able to sway her from her incorrect stance with my delightful cat powers of persuasion.
Okay mom, let's look at this situation realistically: your daughter is fourteen. If she hasn't begun to experience it all ready, she will soon directly confront you with what is known as "teen angst." When this occurs, your child could become wildly unhappy, and in all likelihood, somehow this will be your fault. It's in your best interest to do everything in your power to avoid this situation-and nothing could help you more than a cat. If she encounters mild teen angst, the cat will listen to everything she has to say-as long as she keeps petting and feeding the cat. If the teen angst goes over the top, the cat will turn and give her the tail, and she will see that she's being melodramatic. How will she see this? Well, cats are always right, and this is something your daughter will learn very quickly-and no matter how grumpy she gets, she will still be under contractual obligation to fill the food bowl, change the litter box, and perhaps most important, open and close the door so that her cat can have the pleasure of being inside or outside at will.
In addition to curbing teen depression, her cat will teach her all about responsibility. While many poorly cared for animals will either pout or become sick, cats will simply relocate. While a stray dog can frighten poor humans, a stray cat can still manage to be endearing, and score grub from neighbors (see the letter above). The price she will pay for her irresponsibility? She'll be dissed by the cat, and nobody wants that-not when what humans seem to want so badly from their cats is loyalty.
Did I mention helping with homework, and assisting in developing reading skills? One of the things I do to help my humans is to lay across their books as they're reading. Nothing enhances their reading pleasure more! I also monitor their movie intake by meowing loudly through them, when I don't choose to intimidate them by sharpening my claws on the television stand. Rapid, sloppy handwriting can be slowed when the waving motion of the pen becomes too much for her cat, and the cat is forced to bat at it.
How about the way cats manage to silence the most intense argument? She's telling you how you're the meanest mom ever-and then the cat comes in and starts rolling on the floor. The two of you pause and reflect on the wonders of the cat. Now that's what I can family bonding!
Finally, as everyone knows, in order to make that crucial college decision, she's going to need a cat. As many intellectuals will testify, nothing helps a kid through the SATS, the acceptance and rejection process, and then the final decision like a good old cat.
As you can see, mom, getting your daughter a cat as soon as possible is vital. I recommend getting to the cat shelter ASAP. Tell them Issy sent you.

Issy the Advice Cat Answers Your Questions

April 24th 2002

Dear Issy,
Sorry I stepped on your tail. It's hard to read that fine print in your columns sometimes. Guess I need glasses. I am dismayed that you treated my last letter with such frivolity…it was a serious question that you pretty much blew off in the paper.
I thought I'd try rubbing my scent on my boyfriend but he thought it was gross and told me to take a shower! Why don't you get that nice Dr. Copplinger, D.O for your advisor? I'm sure he wouldn't blow off a serious inquiry, now would he?

Your friend, "Inquisitive."

Note to reader: in case you didn't catch last weeks Insider, "Inquisitive" is the individual that wants their boyfriend to do x-rated, unpublishable things that are illegal in certain states. This individual also got my name wrong, and therefore fell prey to my wrath.
You're right; Dr. Copplinger probably wouldn't blow off a serious inquiry. See, this has something to do with the fact that he's a D.O., and I'm a cat. Do you know what a cat is? I imagine the Issy Paw of Death handling your ass with "frivolity" would serve as sufficient reminder!
That having been said, I think you're missing something here that you should seriously consider: if your boyfriend didn't go bonkers due to your musky he/she scent, maybe there's something wrong. Is your diet out of whack? Have you been eating purely crunchy cat food with no variety at all? Have you not been feeling well lately, which could perhaps cause your odor to be less enticing than your thoughts? There's also a chance that there's something wrong with his sense of smell that leaves him unable to pick up your wild and randy pheromones.
Perhaps your eagerness to share your stink with him caught him off guard. It's important to circle him for awhile, hissing and spitting all the way to let him know what your intentions are. This is an important step that many humans miss. The yapping dog next door also informed me that many humans forget the essential butt-sniffing step towards mating. Now you know and I know that if anything would get him pointed in the right direction, that would be it.
Since I know humans operate with a lot more complicated mating rituals, I talked to a couple of slutty ones to get some additional tips for you:
1.) "This is an easy one, 'Inquisitive.' Sit down with your man and watch some nasty-ass porn featuring your flavor of kink. If your boyfriend totally freaks out and says that's the nastiest stuff he's ever seen, you're S.O.L. But if he thinks it looks kinda interesting, you have the perfect opening, coupled with a good build-up and a grand finale to boot!"
2.) "Wait till he's all riled-up one day due to the whole Spring thing and just being a boy, and then order him to do what you want. I think most people like to be given some kind of direction so they're not flapping around clueless. If he's willing to give it a try and he can't stand it, let it go-nobody likes to be pestered about doing something they don't enjoy. If he's not even willing to give your ideas a whirl, get with somebody else, because you're never going to get any satisfaction."
3.) "Well 'Inquisitive,' it seems that humans talk. Because of this, it should be real easy to tell this guy what you would like to experiment with. If he's unwilling to experiment, you're screwed-though not literally."
I still think biting him on the back of the neck should do the trick. If none of these tips work, give Dr. Copplinger a call and tell him Issy sent you.

Dear Issy,
You're my favorite columnist around town. With your new-found fame, how do
you keep rabid fans from attacking you? I've had this problem with fame as
well.
Sincerely,
Big Fan

First of all, thank you for acknowledging my superiority. It's lonely at the top.
Second, I don't think it's fair to assume my fans are rabid. There hasn't been a case of rabies in Ohio for ages. And if anyone "attacks" me, they'll wish I had something as treatable as rabies. I know a couple of birds and an endless stream of cicadas that wish they would have thought twice about messing with my Ninja-quick reflexes.
Being swarmed by fans does get overwhelming at times, but this began happening long before my advice column. Humans have this whole, "look at the kitty, smile at the kitty, pet the kitty" instinct that drives them to bow down at the mere site of a cuddly cat such as myself. While I enjoy the adoration, I tend to prefer "look at the kitty, fear the kitty," but this usually doesn't catch on until after the collar comes off.
The whole paparazzi thing is especially annoying, not to mention the folks following me around trying to get me to strike a pose so I can look especially saucy for my shot in the Insider. Such pressures to be beautiful are so draining. Whenever I go out in public, I wear dark sunglasses and a big old hat, and pray that my entourage is successful in shielding me from adoring fans scrambling for autographs. However, I am beginning to adjust, and I'm really enjoying not having to write letters to myself anymore, thanks to adoring fans such as you.

Thank you for reading. You may pet me now.

Write to Issy at askissy@frognet.net

April 17th 2002
Dear Kitty,
(Note from Issy: This letter has been censored for the sake of our more sensitive readers. )
You're a knowledgeable cat.... If anyone can help me, you can. Ever since my girlfriend Mary told me about XXXXXXXXXX, I've been tempted to try it, just to see if I like it. But I don't know how to convince my boyfriend to try it. What if he's like turned off or refuses? How do you suggest I tell him I want to experiment with something new? I'm afraid he'll be turned off if I suggest something XXXX. Thanks for any help, Call me "Inquisitive"

Let me ask you something real quick: does Issy the cat look like a bitch? My name is Issy, and I'm a cat, not a kitty! I'd like to see a kitty rip that pen out your hand and kick your ass all over the litter box, punk-ass.
That having been said, "inquisitive," I'll try to focus on the "knowledgeable cat" part as opposed to the "kitty" dis. As someone who has had kittens before, I know a little bit about the wild world of mating and what a violent, yowling mess it can be-so I can't blame you if you want to try something a little different. However, I find it a bit odd that your "something different" so closely resembles that violent, yowling mess. I know cats are admirable and all, but wouldn't you rather emulate our impeccable grooming habits and ho-hum attitude?
Anyway, the best way to let him know that you're interested in trying something new is to rub your arm-pits all over his body. Nothing tells a fella that you're ripe and raring to go like a healthy dose of your animal he/she-scent! Then, give him the final signal that something kinky is about to go down by scratching at the bookshelves sexily to sharpen your claws. Once you've driven him wild with this seductive gesture, run up and bite him on the back of the neck and wrestle him to the ground, hissing and growling all the way. After you're done mating, roll on your back and claw at his eyes to let him know you're not trying to be friends here-the job is done, so get the hell off.
If your man rebuffs your advances, go ahead and get yourself neutered or spade. Having kittens is really hard on the body, and being spade gives me a lot more time to run around the backyard, chase birds, and properly mark my territory as a warning to neighboring cats. Now I need not worry about prancing around and looking pretty (though I am)-and those unruly fellas get the Issy Paw of Death instead of the Sugar Paw.

Dear Itty,
How pleased I am to see your column offering to answer our questions. Well, I have a good one. It involves this girl who shares this room with me. She's got a boyfriend who sometimes stays over. When that happens, I usually sleep on the couch, but it's not always easy with all the noise those two make. Now, he's always nice to me and we all get along. But sometimes I am jealous of the attention paid to others, especially when they're making those noises. Please don't tell me to leave. Good homes are hard to find. And don't think that ol' sock on the handle will work. Sign me, P. Galore

Okay, lemme get this straight: your humans make you leave the room? Oh I get it; you must be a dog. No cat in his or her right mind would let such an infraction go unpunished. And since you're a dog, I suppose I can forgive you for the whole "Itty" thing--though I'm going to have to refer you to the response to my first letter, and add bad dog! Bad!
There are several options you can explore here. One involves whining incessantly. As a dog, you have the unique ability to look utterly pathetic and needy to get your way, while us cats just make rather blunt demands and expect them to be obeyed. If one of the humans responds to these incessant pleas with rage, roll on your belly with your tongue hanging out. Who could be mad at a dog like this, this good boy, this Good, GOOD boy!? Next, grab that stupid sock off the door and shake it around in your mouth like you're trying to snap its neck. Not only will this convince them to stop the dumb sock thing, (since you think of it as a game), but it will demonstrate your dog-might, and make the intruder think you might just be a force to be reckoned with.
As far as the funny noises go, there's nothing you can do about that. As a matter of fact, is your owner by any chance previous letter-writer "inquisitive"? Humans seem to like making funny noises, and while they'll ignore you when they're actively making them, sometimes you can hide behind the door until they're done, and then gaily come skipping out to be loved oodles and oodles.
If none of these options work and you're still being ignored, try howling along with their noises. Consider it human/dog harmony! If they're allowed to raise a ruckus, so are you. No way would I recommend for you to leave- if anyone's getting hit in the ass with the doorknob-sock on the way out, it's Mr. Boyfriend. Remember, for the love of God-you're the dog! The dog doesn't get abandoned; the dog gets the unconditional love! Who's there when he's being a dirtball? You. Who's excited every day she comes home, and for that matter, every time she opens the door, goes to the kitchen, or inhales and exhales? You. Who gets yelled at and forgets about it thirty-seconds later? You. She'd better recognize, and if she doesn't, bite her in the ass.

Dear Issy,
I am at the cat shelter and I am really, really sad. There are so many cats here and kittens too, and we really wish more people would come to help us out. We are all very unhappy. Help. -Depressed at the Cat Shelter

This is tragic. As a service to my fellow felines, I recommend that readers head to the cat shelter immediately and consider adopting. Tell them Issy sent you.

April 10th 2002

Dear Issy,
My mother keeps telling me that I have poor hygiene. I don't know what she's talking about: I brush my teeth, I shower-I think this is because I have dreads. Is there anyway I can get her off my case? --Just keeping it real

It's good to hear you're following rule #1 of Issy's rules to live by: fear the hairbrush. Fear it! Anything with long bristles and a wooden handle can't be good for you, and you should resist at all costs. Because of practicing what I preach, I too have dreadlocks, and am soon to be partially shaven. With my advice, you should be able to avoid a similar fate. First of all, don't let them put you in the cat carrier. I don't care what shiny, sparkly thing they have in the back or what kind of noise it makes, I don't care how good the drugs are--just don't get in there. I recommend hiding in a hard-to-reach or hard-to-find location, like underneath the couch, in a dresser drawer in the attic, or in a tree. They'll either get tired of trying to get you to cooperate or waste a whole lot of energy for your amusement--either way you win. If they get you in the cat carrier, you're basically doomed in the short run, so you might as well lie back and enjoy the tranquilizers. Try talking to your mom about working out a compromise, like you can keep your hair and not look like a half-shaved ass in front of all the other cats in the neighborhood if you'll wear your collar. This will keep the funky-fur around your face back just enough so that you can groom the rest of your body, and keep your mats from getting too crazy.

Issy,
Dorm bathroom--sucks. I'm in a mod, there's one shower, and every morning there's this guy who must be polishing every orifice of his body twice, because he never gets out until I'm almost late for class. I can't wake up without a shower. What can I do with this guy?--dirty dorm guy

It appears you have no choice but to take action.
1.) Leave a warning outside of his door to let him know that you've had it with his excessive splashy-splashy backyard-kiddie-pool games. I recommend a dead bird.
2.) If he does not heed this warning, wait until he's in the shower, comfortably bathing away. Stick your paw underneath the door and pry it open. If it doesn't give immediately, scratch furiously for a few seconds, and that should do the trick. Bat at the curtain for a second, and if that doesn't work, make a ninja-style jump to the toilet flusher. Wait for the yowling sound.
3.) If this doesn't work, then it's clearly time for the Issy paw-of-death. If ripping the mess out of the curtain doesn't satisfy you, jump in the shower, and bat furiously with the aforementioned paw-of-death until his big toe screams in agony. That'll teach 'em.
4.) If this STILL doesn't work (and trust me, the Issy paw-of-death always works) then you must get psychological on him. When he comes out of the shower, lie sprawled on your back, with your fuzzy tummy in the air. For some reason, this action renders humans impotent, and they are reduced to slobbering, whimpering, baby-talking losers with the uncontrollable urge to scratch you. When he moves in for the belly-rub, you can unleash four-paw action and scratch the living daylights out of his hand. If your back paws are de-clawed, perhaps you should consider using teeth.
5.) If this stupid human resists all action up until this point, simply crawl into his shower the next time he's having his long-lasting personal experience and start lurching your body like you're hocking-up a hairball. He goes running, and the shower is yours.

Email Issy at askissy@frognet.net

April 3rd 2002
Dear Issy,
My email box is chocked full of yucky, un-wanted spam. A large portion of it is porno, and I never look at those sites-and I don't want them in my email. There was an option to reply and unsubscribe to the list, but it didn't work. Help! -Spammed-Out

First let me say this: sure you never go to those sites. And I never walk around outside and breathe all over the other cats after I've had tuna. Humans like to look at other humans naked, but this is very difficult, because all of you wear clothes. If I want to see another cat naked, all I have to do is sit on my porch and wait. Because of this, kitty-porn is sort of unnecessary.
Excuse me if I cause offense, but you humans are kinda dumb.
Next time you're on the internet, when you're done not-looking at porn, visit the Spam Recycle website http://www.spamrecycle.com. There you'll find a whole slew of Issy-endorsed suggestions to stop spam. Some of the things they suggest include:
1.) Never respond to spam-not even if they offer an address to remove you from the list. All that does is let them know that they found a live one, and they'll promptly sign you up to receive roughly a hundred-thousand more. Think about it: if you got put on some list without asking, what makes you think they'll take you off it if you do?
2.) Don't post your email address to your website. This is one of the ways in which spammers harvest addresses.
3.) If you go to newsgroups, get a second email address to use for them
4.) Don't give anyone your email address if there isn't a privacy statement written on their webpage.
5.) Use a Spam Filter (you can get one from Spam Recycle for fifteen dollars a year).
6.) Never buy anything spammers try to sell you. If you have to delete their dumb email, then they shouldn't get to spend your hard-earned, time-away-from-your-cat money.

Spam Recycle also offers spam-free email; and if you want to sic Spam Recycle on your spammer, you can forward your spam to spamrecycle@chooseyourmail.com, and they'll make your spammer an offer he can't refuse.

Dear Issy,
All of my friends know how to download music off of the internet, but I don't and feel really dumb. Can you tell me how to do it? MP-3less

Though my preferred sounds include a musical cell phone, and the sound of another cat squawking for mercy before I unload the Issy paw-of-death, I understand that periodically one would like to hear recent music without having to endure the slobbering sounds of a bad DJ, commercials, or Britney Spears 37 times in a row. Along with busting spammers and minimizing garbage with a super-secret ray gun, learning how to get music off the internet completely free of charge should be considered one of the top skills of the new millennium--and I'm sure Metallica and the other music titans would agree! Here's what you do: Go to http://www.audiogalaxy.com and download a program called Audiogalaxy Satellite. Once you've downloaded and installed this, you can search for music and download it from other users of Audiogalaxy completely free of charge. Since I have given you this knowledge, I have one favor to ask: no musicians who have named themselves after colors, use excessive punctuation in album titles or nicknames, or that, when speaking, refer to themselves in the third person. You owe me that much. I've all ready warned you about the Issy paw-of-death.

Got a question for Issy the Advice Cat? Email her at askissy@frognet.net

Issy the Advice Cat Answers Your Questions

March 27th 2002

Ask Issy
by Issy the Cat
Note: Ask Issy is a new advice column appearing in the Athens Insider. She will be answering questions from any genre, though this week her focus is on relationships. You can email Issy at askissy@frognet.net

Dear Issy,
What the hell is wrong with men these days? What happened to the sort of guy who buys you dinner and opens doors for you? Is it wrong for a girl to want to be treated well? --Needy in Nelsonville

The solution to this is simple. I have found that if you meow at the door long enough, someone always gets the hint and decides to help you out before you knock all the plants to the floor. Your problem is that while you want it, (and need it), you don't demand it with the proper continual, ear-piercing plea. If this tactic doesn't work, try with-holding affection for lengthy periods of time, or hiding in a dark corner of the attic while he searches high and low for you, and I guarantee your man will start to treat you better. If he properly obeys, you can reward him by sleeping on his feet, or bringing in a twig from the backyard. Gets 'em every time.

Dear Issy,
My little sister (I'll call her Roberta), is always picking fights with me--especially when my mom and dad are around. It's like she's trying to make me look stupid in front of them so they'll like her better or think she's smarter or something. To make matters worse, everywhere I am, she is. What can I do about it?--Kicked Big Sis in Athens

Three words: pee on everything. Eventually, the larger people in your house will grow weary of this, and will give one of you to a neighbor. Once this happens, you won't have to put up with her crap in your litterbox anymore. Now, your parents may try some silly games, like putting one of you upstairs and other one downstairs. While this may seem like a good idea initially, the whole thing will inevitably emerge as a scam to get the two of you back together, when they start doing things like slipping a blanket under the door with Roberta's scent on it. If this happens, you know what to do: pee on it. It's better to make a clean break than feign pleasantries and then fight over the food bowl when no one's looking.

To email Issy the Advice Cat: Click Here!